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Melbourne’s Hidden Bars

The twists and turns of Melbourne’s famous laneways led us on a pub-crawl we would never forget! Julia McDonald’s review of the CBD’s hidden hot spots.

 A Saturday night in downtown Melbourne, cannot be compared to a night in any other city in the world. Streets lined with pubs, bars and clubs are simply not something that you can easily come by here. If you want to find the best watering holes in the CBD (central business district) you have to be willing to hike, climb, and pay up.

After spending my week whispering through the halls of Uni for the exclusive, concealed pubs in town, I was fairly confident in my choices. With a team of party experts by my side, I ventured into the CBD with a map and a very loose plan of where to go; knowing the best-laid plans never come to fruition. I had no idea what the night would truly hold.

Destination 1: E55 

Naturally, choosing favourites, the night had to begin at E55 on Elizabeth Street, just up from Flinder’s train station. While this seems like a busy area, the basement bar is one of those ‘blink and you miss it’ type of places.  Clanging down the metal steps, you are entering what seems to be your grandparents’ basement, only with an amazing reggae/RnB DJ. Well-worn couches and armchairs are strategically placed around coffee tables; it’s the perfect place to cozy up with a pint or a spirit and vibe to the music. You don’t have to scream into your friend’s ear to be heard and while dancing is definitely out of the question, there was a fair amount of head bobbing and swaying going on.

Destination 2: Marrakech

After relaxing at E55 we ventured off the beaten track to Marrakech Shisha Bar on Bank Place near Collins Street. It was one of those, ‘make two lefts and go up past the intersection, down a block and there you are’ directions, and somehow we found it! Standing in line we were told that there was a $20 cover fee and that all the men had to be wearing collared shirts. Remember what I said about those best-laid plans? It was time for destination 2b.

Destination 2b: Chaise Lounge

While standing on a street corner, a party of 12, we were trying to decide where to go next when a man approached us.

‘Where are you going tonight?’

‘Section 8’ (the next pub on our list)

‘No no, come to Chaise Lounge’

‘We can’t pay cover’

‘I’ll let you , I’ll let you in for one dollar…’

‘and a free shot?’ (My ever opportunist friend chimed in)

‘deal’

Off we went down Queens Street. Once again the bar had a tiny sign, above a tiny door that you would never have noticed because a large man in a leather jacket was covering it. I was shocked when he asked for my identification and turned out to be the doorman of a seemingly vacant place – What had we got ourselves into?

Downstairs was a dimly lit dance floor, surprisingly crowded with people. We were led to the bar where they served us a tasty shot. The club could not seem to decide what decade it was in between suede sofas, disco balls and alternating Michael Jackson and Jennifer Lopez songs. Our group seemed be the youngest crowd in the bar, and the only ones not celebrating a 40th birthday or bachelorette party. Nonetheless we had a good time, and who could turn down a free drink and a chance to break out ridiculous dance moves without judgement?

Destination 3: Section 8

A member of the editorial staff of upstart told me about an outdoors pub in Chinatowns’ alleyways that we should check out. Finding Tattersalls Lane wasn’t terribly difficult, and we followed the neon lighting and decorated archways to our destination – where we were sadly turned away. The bar was about to close in ten minutes, at 1 am, and although I attempted to pull the ‘but I’m writing an article on this place,’ we were still refused.  From what we could see through the chicken wire fence, the place was indeed packed to the brim and everyone seemed to be having a lively time. We all swore to return another night.

Final Destination: Croft Institute

Having been turned away from a second bar we were beginning to feel a little let down by Melbourne. In an attempt to get back to the tram we got into a crowd that were heading toward a dark laneway filled with rubbish dumpsters.  A twinkle in his eye, my friend said, ‘I think I know where they are going. Let’s follow them!’

We had nothing to lose and wandered down the ever-darkening laneway. It twisted and turned, with the occasional light displaying graffiti. Getting a bit nervous, we finally rounded the corner and discovered where everyone was going. It was Croft Institute! This is the hidden Mecca we had been looking for! I had read about it in other articles on hidden pubs downtown but I had a bit of trouble finding the address. After convincing the doorman to let us in for half price we found ourselves in a scientist’s lair. Beakers and equipment were displayed along the walls and people we being served drinks that had syringes in them! The place had three floors: the main bar area with seating; the washrooms, which had a hospital bed in its funky sinks; and finally a dance floor with another bar, and a staircase type stage. They were playing an old movie starring David Hasselhoff on silent and bumping Brazilian songs. We remained here until our feet could take no more, and attempted to navigate the way back to the Night Rider bus.

The night of following our feet led us to some interesting and very unexpected places. It clear that the CBD has a huge nightlife of adventure to offer – if you can find it.

Julia McDonald is completing her Masters of Global Communications at La Trobe University. Follow her on Twitter @Jules_mcdonald


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